-Atomic Blonde- By no means an outright bad film, this was way more forgettable than the kickass trailers would lead you to believe. What a shame, Charlize Theron still kicks a lot of ass, but this movie is not worthy of her badass performance.
-Baywatch- The Rock is comedy greatness, Zac Efron is too, and Priyanka Chopra was a neat, if underutilized villain, everything else in this movie is just boring, sorry not enough laughs to keep this whole thing afloat.
-Ghost in the Shell- I’ll admit I didn’t hate this all that much, it had some neat visuals and the story wasn’t bad, it’s just dull overall, plus the movie really does mess up in trying to avoid the obvious racist nature in the casting, in fact the attempt to avoid it makes it feel more racist.
-The Great Wall- This was a pretty movie to look at, that’s the only reason it’s barely escaping the top ten list.
-Kingsman:The Golden Circle- This is the least bad movie on this list, but it was the most disappointing sequel I saw in 2017, it’s overlong, makes some poor character choices and never rises above the original in any area. The action and comedy are still fun, but by the time we get to the final battle in the climax I just wanted to go home.
-Kidnap-I expected this to be a pretty fun bad movie, I mean Taken, but with a soccer mom in her van? How can that be bad? Make it as boring as possible apparently.
-Rough Night-It’s a shame that this wasn’t any better, the premise was funny, the cast was funny, but the whole thing never lives up to the potential. What ends up being the worst thing in this movie though, is the choice to let Kate McKinnon do an Australian accent, it gets annoying really quick, which is a shame cause she’s usually a lot of fun.
-Smurfs:The Lost Village- I always hoped that making an animated Smurfs movie would be a good time, sadly this one ends up being a mess. The cast is mostly good and the animation is cute, but I’m struggling to remember much else. It really is a shame this franchise keeps churning out disappointing films.
And now for the Top 10
10)MY LITTLE PONY THE MOVIE
UGHHH I just feel exhausted thinking about this one. In a year with a lot of weak animated films, it really is a shame that one of the worst is a 2D animated feature. I get it, My Little Pony has a lot of grown up male fans, I’m not one of them so I was bound to hate this anyway, but that it’s so much worse than I expected is why it’s earned this spot. I remember merely being bored in my initial viewing, but as I’ve thought about it more, this is way worse than I initially thought. The music is forgettable and uninteresting, the animation is boring to look at most of the time, while incredibly ugly when the CG pops in. Also did I mention it’s messages of friendship are shallow and unoriginal, especially when it’s not even practiced on the pathetic villain? Yeah, this movie sucks.
9)MONSTER TRUCKS
This movie was in production for so long I expected I’d get a funny bad movie... it is pretty average overall, but still just stupid and not even worth your time. At best they should’ve made the chase sequences in a simulator ride, at its worst they shouldn’t have even bothered making it.
8)BEAUTY AND THE BEAST
I’ll admit on my first viewing I wasn’t all that bothered by this one, in fact I’d still argue there are a few neat choices, but as it sat in my mind I just got more bothered by it. Why does this movie exist? I mean I know why, it got cash for Disney, but why bother doing it? Alice in Wonderland was an edgy, Darker take on the story (however awful that was), Maleficent was an alternate viewpoint, Cinderella tried being more feminist, Jungle Book give the story more structure, this had no real angle to work with. Even the new take on LeFou (here a gay man) offers nothing for the film, why didn’t they make this about LeFou if they wanted to have that angle? Oh right cause that wouldn’t have been as big of a hit. The new songs don’t add much (though in fairness, the Beast’s song was a decent addition) worse yet though, is that the old songs are mostly ruined by people who can’t sing all that well. Disney, next time you remake one of these, remember to give it a reason to exist beyond money.
7)BUSHWICK
Most of you probably never heard of this one, but it was a killer premise. New York is under siege by a crazy militia from Texas, determined on taking over the “weak” parts of the U.S. Dave Bautista and Britney Snow try surviving as a resistance rises to stop the invasion. On the surface, not only is this topical, but it sounds like the kind of film that should be a kickass film in support of diversity, celebrating its strength, watching it though I was mostly bored. Not only was this not kick ass, but whatever intentions the filmmakers had clearly didn’t work out, the film makes our heroes look weak, stupid and the “tragic” ending just made the whole movie feel like a waste of time. One more thing, the continuous shot for an entire feature trick is not as cool as anyone thinks it is, please stop using it to score cheap points.
6)THE EMOJI MOVIE
Easily the year's worst animated movie, The Emoji movie was ill-conceived since day one. I’ll admit I don’t think it’s as bad as people say it is, but it is pretty pathetic all things considered. Who thought canceling a Popeye film by the guy who made Samurai Jack was a good idea? Apparently the execs who thought this would be the next big thing. Again, it’s not as bad as people say, I mean I’ve seen worse animated features recently, but that doesn’t excuse how moronic the whole thing ends up being. It’s lazy, unoriginal and made me silently scream every time the movie got something wrong about how phone resets work.
5)TRANSFORMERS THE LAST KNIGHT
I still can’t believe I slept through a half hour of this, but it is that boring at this point. The choices barely feel crazy at this point, the action is not cool and the impressive effects are no longer enough to be somewhat amazed by. Anthony Hopkins is the only redeeming aspect here (okay him and a scene with the decepticons that feels straight out of Pain and Gain), but there’s just so much in the film. By the end I not only felt tired, I wondered why I still keep attending these movies, they’re not worth it at this point.
4)FIST FIGHT
This is a dumb comedy, as such I wanted to be soft on it, but I just kept thinking about how bad the whole thing ends up being. This movie wants to be an absurd, silly comedy, but it never fully goes in on that silliness, making it not only restrained, but just a mess to sit through. The jokes don’t land because the situation is never silly enough, while the message never works because it’s too silly to take seriously. Also, why are so many kids attending the last day of school? Even in a silly comedy I just can’t believe that, especially considering a lot of them are still doing regular class work.
3)THE MUMMY
Universal thought they were getting a big hit with an action packed, Avengers styled mummy film, they even went all in for something called the dark universe. Do you really need me to explain why this lazy mess sucks? No, you don’t.
2)THE ASSIGNMENT
Michelle Rodriguez stars as a hitman who is turned into a hitwoman, the opening minutes include a hilariously poor attempt at making Michelle look convincing as a man, this is all true. Look, I’m not sure how offensive this was to the trans community (though I’m willing to bet very) but the movie is yet another boring, typical action film for the year, which made its short runtime feel like a blessing by the time it ended. Not a single action scene is ever engaging, the plot is basic, and beyond the obvious “edge” the filmmakers tried having with the trans storyline, there really is no reason it needed to be there, besides to convince you that Michelle Rodriguez can act like a dude, spoiler alert, she can’t. P.S. Sigourney Weaver’s appearance here is the main reason why The Defenders wasn’t her worst performance of 2017.
1)BRIGHT
I know, I know, so many people have made this their pick for worst, but trust me it’s for good reason. The world we see is incredibly stupid, which is disappointing cause the idea was interesting, the fantasy stuff is never fully taken advantage of, and it’s all just so tedious. Will Smith and Joel Edgerton are good together, but beyond their dynamic I just couldn’t care less about this film. It’s a stupid, shallow metaphor for racism that makes the stupid choice of making the black cop act racist, which throws the message out the window and it just gets worse the more you think about it. What really pushed it to this top spot for me, was the racism towards my people, yes, I personally felt insulted by seeing my people just being dumbass gangbangers, seeing the one Mexican cop admit the Alamo is reason enough to harass my people and the whole movie trying to act like it’s positive for the future of diversity. Sure it’s still awful as a movie, worthy of a spot on here, but that kind of bigotry just angers me to no end, it may not be the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but for 2017, this was the most insulting and repulsive film I had to sit through. Screw your conspiracy theories, Netflix is getting trashed for this because it deserves to be trashed.
Finally, that’s over with, hopefully 2018 is better. If you want to know my best list, look up on my Youtube account, thanks for reading!
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Written by Octaviano Macias
Support me on Patreon!
Written by Octaviano Macias
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